The Ex-Girlfriend

I sat there in my favorite Tiki bar, Hula Hula, with an awkward sense of anticipation. I had never been in this situation before. I like her...and I don't want her to be mad at me due to the circumstances I had recently come into.

She was His ex....and not like a recent ex, more like over 7 months his ex. They dated for a few months, then broke up, then had a 3 week fling, and then stopped talking. He told her he had moved on and so should she...pretty blunt for a dude. She still had feelings for Him.

Over the last 7 months I have befriended both He and She...in separate situations, but at the same venue, our little karaoke spot called Hula Hula. They both run with the theatre crowds, and I enjoy living vicariously through them and the other friends I have made. She and I weren't great friends, more like acquaintances who chatted on Facebook now and then, and would politely chit chat at Hula's about random nonsense. I enjoyed her company...she was sweet and young. And she was his Ex-Girlfriend.

I sat there at Hula's after getting off from a long day. I knew I needed to talk to Her, but didn't know what I would say. I didn't need to get Her permission...I didn't need to tell Her the details, I just felt like it would be respectful to talk to Her about what she had seen on Facebook and would continue to see...pictures of Him and I together and happy. I didn't really know where He and I were going exactly, but I knew we liked each other, and I didn't want to seem like I was sneaking anything as there was no need....she was His ex after all.

I checked Facebook from my Blackberry one last time before she was supposed to get there. I noticed she had updated her status to "Not looking forward to it," only moments before. "Oh goodness..." I thought to myself. I knew she had to know the subject matter I had asked her down for, but didn't realize it would go the way it did. She walked across the street from her apartment (convenient to live across from our favorite hang out.) She was not happy, I could see it in her face and the way she walked.

We said hello politely and chit chatted about unparticulars...the weather and whatnot. I asked how her American Idol audition in Denver had gone...she said not good and broke down the goings on of the audition. "I am sure you know the reason I asked you here," I said. "Yeah...." she says... "I've seen the pictures."

I felt like the conversation went as well as it could have. I expressed that I liked her, and hoped that she would at some point be OK with he and I being together, and not make things awkward. I hoped that we could be adult about things, and mature enough to still kick it in our favorite spot. "Things will be awkward. There is no way it couldn't be," she says. She told me stories about the two of them, and how everyone used to refer to her as Mrs. *Insert-His-First-Name-Here.* She told me not to date him, and that she still had feelings for him, and gave me a short list of reasons I should not like him, and that if I wanted a "relationship" kind of guy, I should look towards his best friend. "Nah..." I said. "Not interested in best friend in that way, and honestly, while I appreciate everything you are telling me, I will make my own conclusions based on my experiences with him."

Shortly after this uncomfortable conversation, I was at Hula's alone on a dreadfully hot Monday evening. There was hardly anyone at Hula's, a few regulars, the bartender and the KJ (the Best Friend to Him.) I was singing my second song. Ex-Girlfriend and her best friend came in and plopped down right next to the KJ (THEY NEVER DO THAT!) They were perched for the evening, making it impossible to approach the KJ without going through them somehow. As I began to sing this song that I had only done a few times and was really not comfortable with...I heard gales of laughter coming from the right side of the stage by the KJ booth... it was Ex-Girlfriend and the best friend. Wow...never before had I even heard her laugh more than a short low chuckle and never before had I had this sort of disrespectful treatment at my Hula's. Embarrassed, lonely, hot, and uncomfortable I left Hula's without saying goodbye to the KJ.

The next day, while sharing this story with my friend, I tried to go into Ex-Girlfriend's Facebook account to show my friend what she looked like. When I typed in her name, she did not come up as one of my friends...when I went to her page the top read "Add as a friend." Wow, she had deleted me. Funny that the times have led us to this. We learn about our status in the world from Facebook...we learn the "status" of our friends from Twitter...Kind of sad. While I didn't mind her deleting me as a friend, I thought it strange that she kept the Ex-Boyfriend, who was the one she was actually mad at for never having given her a good reason for their relationship's demise. She hangs on with hope that one day he will return to her. She will still be able to see all the pictures of him and I, the videos I take of him singing with my voice in the background...so how does this help her?

I feel sorry for Her in so many ways. Every time I see her at Hula's I wish I could give her a hug, because I actually understand how she is feeling. She continues to give me her dirty looks though, and continues to be mad at me with no real justification other than jealousy pure and simple. She is young, and I am sure she will get over this one day, after all, time is the doctor and she, his patient.

The lesson I learned from this? Well....I don't regret talking to her about what was going on. I am sure at some point she would have deleted me whether I had talked to her or not. I had to do what was in my heart to do, and to clear the air that had become a bit muggy and distorted. I will continue to follow my heart in situations like this, and be as honest...and as "naked" as possible. I am, after all, forever naked and sitting on my towel,

WTF: Text Message Break-Up

I honestly don't understand this phenomenon. It bothers me to an unending degree that someone would have cowardly behavior and such little respect for a person they profess to still "love." It happens though. I have talked to so many people about this ludicrous excuse for acceptable behavior...and it seems to be on a rampant incline in popularity among the Generation X and Yers. Every friend that I have talked to about this has said they knew at least 1 person who that had happened to.

It was a very exciting Saturday for me. I had a long day of work and was excited about a karaoke competition that I was getting ready for. My boyfriend sent me a "good luck" text message, in an effort to fulfill his necessary obligations as a boyfriend. I looked at it as something completely different. Here I was, prepping for a tough competition and looking forward to good words from the boyfriend. His message was a slap in the face. I had been feeling more and more that our relationship was moving away from being a very intimate relationship to a dry-and-barely-friendly-text message/email relationship. The least he could have done was to pick up the phone to call me and chat for a few minutes before I headed off to my competition. When I asked him if I was going to get a phone call, he asked that I could not hold him to task because he was under so many pressures. A few text messages later came the biggie...the message of all messages. He wrote "I love you, but it's too much."

Personally, I feel if you are going to use the word Love, it should not be followed by the word "but." There is no love in this....there is no love in sending this message through a digital medium. I was hurt and scarred, but moreover I was disgusted by the lack of courage and compassion.

The lesson I have learned from all of this? (There is always a lesson to be learned, and there is no victory as big as the lesson.) Relationships are increasingly digital and less organic. We are moving away from communicating in person, through touch, and telling stories with our eyes. I love little sweet messages throughout the day, this can absolutely be a positive, but when a relationship moves more and more into a digital form, then I must take the advice of both the book and the movie and say to myself he's just not that into me.

BTW: My favorite quote from the movie "He's Just Not That Into Me": “I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my Blackberry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.”

So true...so f'ing true. On to bigger better and more organic things and relationships. I look forward to whatever the future holds, I know there is love out there for me. I have the worlds best friends who lift me up in situations like this. Oh, yeah and that karaoke competition I was in...I still competed and made 2nd place. My life is too short to let some d'bag bring me down into his dark and dreary excuse for a life.