Best Online Dating Profile. Ever. Debatably.

I like to be slapped around, yelled at, controlled and appreciate the jealous boyfriend who doesn't let me have any friends and who has 37+ "girlfriends" himself. I would love it if you don't have a job, a car, 10th grade or lower education, hate dogs and kids and never work out. Gym membership?? no thanks. Do you eat pizza every day? Perfect as long as it's Digiorno . Do you ever find yourself accidentally watching "Portlandia" and feel like it is completely over your head? That would be ideal. Do you like to take pictures of yourself in the mirror with your shirt off or your wife beater because you think I will be attracted to it? Please, tell me more about you...you are obviously one who is a deep thinker, passionate about life and all it has to offer and I would like to get to know more about you. Do you consider yourself a "laid back guy" who is "drama free?" Your unique qualities send me into a tail spin every time I read that. Will you promise to hang out outside my house and watch my every move? Will you please show up on date one clearly 2-4 inches shorter than your profile on here says you are? Will you actually be 43 even though your profile says 37 (or even younger) and make up a really great reason for how it happened? Will you blow me off after a first date by using your passive aggressive way of approaching life, never call and/or return text?Better yet, will you promise to break up with me by text message? OMG. You might be the guy for me.

PAUSE - If you have read thus far and find yourself identifying with one, some or all of the things listed above. Please stop reading. I am not for you.

If you are laughing... or smiling...or in some way get it, keep reading.

A little about me: So I am a single mom. It's the reason I am certain most guys that I have been on one or more dates with don't continue to date me, and honestly...if it's a problem for you, please stop reading now and don't message me. I prefer to weed out the jokers who already know they don't want that in their lives. If it is something you are open to, at one point down the road if things workout, when we are both ready you would be able to meet my son, who is 7 and the coolest kid on the planet. He was the one who actually told me I should give online dating a try, and says he is looking forward to me having a boyfriend at some point. As we speak he is making new Lego minifigures by painting over the old ones. He is one cool dude, and whoever is lucky enough to have us in their life has to be pretty awesome. My son has a dad, but he lives far away in the country they call Texas. He visits his dad a couple times a year. There. The elephant in the room has been addressed...now we can move on to other subjects.

FITNESS!!! This is a good one. So, last year I discovered and fell in love with the sport of Crossfit. It has been the most amazing journey, to see myself physically and emotionally get stronger. I love Oly lifts now, and am working on walking on my hands and conquering muscle ups this year. If you are into Crossfit, you get huge cool points, but that is not all I am looking for...but it would definitely be a bonus if the guy I was in a relationship was my WOD partner. Don't know what Crossfit is but love fitness?? Look it up... there are some pretty good videos out there that will show you what it is about. That being said, if you don't do Crossfit or never want to try it, I wouldn't hold it against you...it's just something that in an ideal world would be really nice. If you don't workout though... like NEVER, don't do ANY sort of sports, then this probably isn't going to work out, so we should just end it here. If you send me a message saying "I don't do crossfit but I have an LA Fitness membership," my response is going to be "good for you and good luck with that." I think I might have gotten 30+ messages like this in the past (is it the same guy?? Weird...) and all the pictures tell me that while the guy may have a membership, he never uses it. Also along the lines of fitness, I eat really healthy... Low carbs, and when I do have carbs they are low glycemic carbs, I eat lots of protein typically chicken/turkey/eggs/protein shakes and red meat on occasion. I eat lots of veggies, fruits and almonds and have a thing for Maranatha peanut butter. I love going out to eat as well, but I like to limit that.

Some other useful things you should know about me:

I have a dog, she is a lap dog and incredibly cuddly and a little bit of a slut. lol

I love karaoke.

I love to dance.

I like PDA but I think the whole sloppy making out thing in public is kinda gross.

My mom wanted to name me Helga, but my dad said no. Thank God.

I like paperclips.

I am a full time student studying Health Psychology

I don't do Yoga as much as I would like to.

I have an amazing and inspiring group of girlfriends.

I have watched the movie "Officespace" about 47 times give or take 13 or so.

Favorite radio stations: KUOW and 89.5 followed by KissFM

I love to read.

I sing really loud and dance in my car. Yep. I am THAT girl.

Traveling is something that I will never not do. I try to go somewhere new every year...

I am the humblest person I know. Seriously.

I believe in gratitude and living in the present.

I have a huge respect for integrity. That being said, please don't lie on here. It's dumb.

I do charitable work whenever possible. Currently the team captain for my team that will be doing the Big Climb.

Who I am looking for: It's difficult for me to describe the guy that I am looking for because it is more of a feeling I am looking for than anything else. Fitness is important to me and so is overall wellness. If these are priorities in your life that is a really good thing. My hope is to be with someone who isn't afraid of expressing his feelings, is organized, has his stuff together, is aware of himself on an emotional level and has an idea of where he wants to go with his life. He is kind, great with kids, and ready to take on the journey called life with someone else. We can stay up having late night conversations about politics, religion, education, and philosophy, and at the same time is light enough to have fun and laugh until we pee...a little.

This guy has no problem introducing me to his friends and family and does little things to show me he is thinking of me. He holds me in times of sadness and lets me cry (my mascara will smear all over your shirt, but don't worry, it will wash out.) He encourages me to keep going to meet my goals and gives thoughtful advice when I ask for it. He can put on the spare tire if needed, plan surprise trips for us, and probably most importantly, show my son how a man should treat his lady.

LET'S TALK ABOUT STYLE:

Do you where saggy pants? Do you think walking around in a wife beater is cool? Do you get your jeans at Old Navy or Target? Are your favorite pair of dress shoes "Sketchers?" Probably not for me. Without being judgey I really feel like I need to say this. While I am not what you would or could consider a "diva" as far as my wardrobe goes, I think how we present ourselves to the world reflects how we feel about ourselves and what we want others to think about us. That being said, the "slob" look doesn't appeal to me, nor does the "redneck" look. My hope is that you have your own sense of style, your clothes fit, and you have nice shoes. Guys are lucky in that they only really need a few basic pairs of shoes. 1 pair for casual, 1 pair for crossfit (hehehe), 1 black pair of dress shoes, and 1 random color dress shoe like a grey, taupe, camel, or something...and a pair of flip flops. See how easy that is for guys?? Now if you have more than that, cool. I am just saying... it matters how you take care of yourself. Hair: if you put a hand full of gel in your hair and or like to spike your hair you are living about a decade in the past. Just sayin.

About the Writing of The Best Online Dating Profile Ever.

Debatably of course. Everything is, isn't it? I realize I am biased. It's my profile. I find myself to be hilarious at times...at other times I find myself to be so enthusiastically boring that my little toy poodle Chanel groans at me.

On Sunday, I chose to revamp my old online dating profile. The old one was so haggard... run down, boring, and run-of-the-mill. Who in reading that would give second notice to a profile so mundane. I did have some intriguing thought provoking questions like "Staples or paperclips...choose." *laugh laugh laugh.* As I found myself casually browsing an assortment of knuckledraggers, douchebags and a few decent chaps I laughed and wondered if what they were reading and what they had to choose from was the same sort of redundant bunch of cliches that are more often than not exaggerations of wishes. For example "I am 1oo% drama free zone!!" Really? But you HAVE to say that? If there was no drama, you wouldn't have to say it. You must have on more than one occasion attracted drama into your life if you feel the need to express the desire NOT to have it. There was an abundance of profiles that looked EXACTLY the same, and the same stupid (my opinion) pictures of the shirtless guy in front of the mirror with his shirt off. *Really dude... go find something else to entertain yourself with. There are plenty of activities where you might find yourself shirtless for good reason. Get a picture of THAT.* I wanted to rewrite my profile to be one that would at least cause someone to giggle, maybe pee a little, and possibly something they could show to their friends. The words flowed out of my brain, skipped my arms and jumped right onto the keys faster than I could type them. In about 10 minutes I was done. Possibly the most fun I have ever had writing.

The responses I have gotten are a little bit more varied than they were before with the old profile. I can definitely tell if someone has read my profile or not. And there has been at least one response from a gent who seems normal, has his stuff together, is funny and easy to talk to. Let's just see where that goes. Then we can say that "The Best Online Dating Profile Ever produced results, debatably."

So here it is... the unveiling for public viewing. My online dating profile. Hands Down The Best Online Dating Profile. Ever. Debatably.

Dear 2012

I thought I was going to write a letter to 2011, however, I am taking advice from "E" from the Incredibles:

"Never look back darling, it distracts from the now." Edna "E" Mode.

2012 You are all about the NOW. I learned about the now, and the power of living in it in 2011. I learned what it meant to commit to myself, and to my health. I learned what it means to be determined and committed vs attached. In 2011 I fell in love with myself again, which I needed. Now, looking out at a completely open future, there is no telling how awesome the years to come will be.

Proudest accomplishments of 2011:

1. I became committed to health. I started up with Advocare, joined Crossfit, started running again.

2. After several months being single, I opened up to dating again. Managed to be single the entire year which is actually quite the accomplishment. My partner became myself. My friendships. My fun.

3. I survived. In January, mom and I started a business. In June we closed it and our other business. Walking away was a huge challenge but at the same time it ended up being an open ending...and a new beginning for both of us. Mom is moved to Denmark and I am back in school.

4. I went back to school. My degree program is for Health Psychology and my plan is to go to Bastyr in 2012.

5. I went to England/France. During a business trip I managed to combine the trip with a trip to visit longtime friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was amazing.

6. I completed the Curriculum for Living with Landmark Education.

7. Most of all I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. Inside and out. Everything that I have done this year has been for my health, emotionally, physically, nutritionally....everything.

2011 in short: I chose to feel good. I stopped trying to impress other people. I found and am working towards my true passions. I did it.

Sooooo... for 2012. What is in store? Who knows exactly. I am committed to living in the now. I am committed to earning money and helping people transform their health habits through Advocare. I am committed to making serious gains in Crossfit. I am coaching SELP at Landmark in January. I am committed to HAVING FUN!! I am committed to writing more. My hope is that I make it to a place I have never been (maybe New York? maybe somewhere tropical?) Maybe there is love in 2012?

In the area of love, I have good feelings. Who knows what is in store, but the biggest shift within me is "not needing." But I plan on taking some risks, allowing myself to be vulnerable, walk on the edge, play with abandon, choose with no regret, and live like this is all there is...

So 2012, I look forward to all you have for me, whatever it is. Happy New Year!

Love Lina

Lift Big Eat Big: 10 Excuses For Not Exercising & Why They Are Horse...

Lift Big Eat Big: 10 Excuses For Not Exercising & Why They Are Horse...: Ahhh December. The month when everyone plans their New Year's resolutions that will last about 3 days. A lot of resolutions tend to focu...

Hey dude. You're Short.

I know I know... Short girl's shouldn't make fun of short guys. But here is the thing. I am not making fun of short guys. It's the guys who say they are 5'6" on their online dating profile, but when you meet up with them they are 5'2"... if that.

Here is the fact in the online dating world. PEOPLE LIE. Guys do it. Girls do it. It definitely isn't limited to one gender. They lie about anything from height/age/career...etc. They take pictures from snazzy angles to disguise the truth. Not everyone lies...but it's more common than not.

In my experience, I have been lied to on numerous occasions. It doesn't make me any less hopeful that one day I'll end up with an amazing guy... but it definitely gives me some perspective and a bit of a reality check that not everything is as it seems.

Meet match.com dude #1. He wasn't the first person I met from my online dating experience, but he was the first I went on more than one date with. 3 months into dating him, when we are out for drinks, he informs me that he has something to tell me.

"What is it?" I immediately start thinking of all the ugly possibilities here... he is married, or he has 15 children by 10 different ladies or both...Granted the influence of alcohol at the moment assisted in my imagination running wild.

He places his ID in front of me on the table. Then he places another one in front of me.

Really?? I've had at least 2 drinks...my limit on a date typically...and reading tiny numbers and letters on two near identical ID's to comprehend the differences is not something I was able to do.

"Just tell me what it is you need to tell me." My brain hurts just thinking of differentiating these two ID's.

"Well... I wanted to tell you that I am not 28." his facial expression read "please take pity on me."

"I never thought you were 28. Your online dating profile said you were 31." The fact that he didn't even remember how old he had originally SAID he was online didn't seem to resonate yet. "Ok, so how old are you?"

"I'm 43."

Wow. So, it's not that you subtracted 12 years of your existence on your profile, or that you couldn't remember whether you had said 28 or 31....but you made an ID? Interesting.

I won't bore you with the rest of the story...point is: he lied. In the moment, I was relieved that the other crazy stories I had come up with were not in fact the case. But this guy had completely justified his lie to himself and made it seem like it was completely OK.

Match dude #1 is not the only guy who I experienced lying about his age...There have been more...his story just happens to be the most extreme.

Now back to the guy who earned his way to the subject of my blog post. Hey dude. You're short. Nothing wrong with it. I don't hate short guys, but lying about it?? Like I am not going to find out? It's kind of like lying about having or not having eyes, or a head, or all limbs...cause I am sure enough going to find out the first time we meet. Do you think if you get your foot in the door, I'll excuse the lie about the height? Is that the thought process here? There is a huge difference in 5'6" vs 5'2". My favorite pair of heals adds at least 4 inches to my height, so I know what it feels like to see the world at 5'6", and it is a huge difference from 5'2". Even with your thick soled tennis shoes or boots with a little bit of a "man heal" your little white lie about your height is going to be noticeable the first time we meet. The funniest thing about this is that I have met at least 2 guys who have lied about their height online. Both said they were 5'6" and showed up being at least 5'2".

POINT #1 IS (for guys and gals): If you are genuinely trying to meet someone that you would like to possibly begin a friendship/relationship with, don't lie. Don't say you are slender if you aren't. Don't say you are athletic if you aren't. Don't say you are 31 if you aren't. Don't say you are 5'6" if you aren't.

POINT #2 IS: I recommend whenever you feel comfortable, to meet in person in a public place sooner rather than later. Who knows how much time you might be wasting on someone who may or may not be who they represent online. I always recommend daytime meetings too... and tell a couple friends where you are going and what you know about them. SAFETY FIRST!!

That's all folks... for now I pulled my online dating profile. Not because of short dude, but I am certain I will share more about my experiences soon in another post.

Rye Bread

This week I was determined to get to my favorite karaoke bar during the week... the crowd is completely different during the week than it is during the weekend. So a girlfriend of mine agreed to come up and meet me as well as some of my other karaoke friends.

The night is pretty chill, we were all able to sing a few times. By about 12 o'clock my girlfriend and I notice that there is this guy hanging around our little group... almost hovering. He isn't bad looking, but I wouldn't go so far as to say he is HOT. He didn't say anything at first, he just sipped his drink. A few minutes later he goes up to sing, and shocked all of us with his song choice. It was some Frankie Valli-ish song from the 60's. Now don't get me wrong, this guy was by no means thugish or anything, that wasn't why he shocked us. What shocked us was that at first he seemed really shy, but then when he got up on the stage and started singing his best falsetto that sounded as if he sings this song in the shower every day... we all did a double take and giggled. It just didn't seem like a song he would sing. WAY TO THROW US ALL OFF!! :-)

When he finished my girlfriend and I both told him he did well and surprised us with his song choice. He laughed and said he was happy about that.

We didn't pay this guy much attention after this, but he floated from group to group hoping to get in where he fit in. After his second song (Green Day this time) he mozied back up to the bar. This time he was a little bit more anxious to talk to us.... after all it was nearing closing time.

The first thing out of his mouth when he was trying to talk to me?

"I'm a baller."

Does that normally do it for you? Do you say this to girls and they are like swooning and drooling from their woman parts? Because for me that is just a HUGE turn off.

"That's too bad." I respond. Then he proceeds to tell me why he is a baller and tries to tell me what teams he has played on. I told him that didn't matter to me, and he was probably one of the shortest point guards I had ever met. (He had to be like 5'8".)

"My name is Ryan, but you can call me Ry."

HUH?? Cause Ryan is sooooo long that you feel the need to abreviate?

"Ok, so I will call you Rye...BREAD yes, your new name is Rye Bread." He didn't like this that much, but I didn't really care.

His conversation got a little less weird when he stopped trying too hard to impress me, and he said his hope was that he could convince all his friends to come to this little karaoke spot sometime. I told him that would be cool and it is definitely the best around and gave him my number for the off chance that he came down to Hula's again.

So the night ended, and my girlfriend drove me to my car. On the way home I got a call from an unknown local number. I answered, thinking maybe it was one of my friends stranded at Hula's. It wasn't. It was Rye Bread. Wow. I guess he couldn't wait to get his sleeze on...Some how, some way he started talking about sausage and tried to invite himself over to my house, at which point I hung up on him. He officially earned himself not one but two Datecon statuses in my book Stage 4 Clinger Status and Stage 5 Creeper Status. (I will have to break down these Datecon Statuses in another blog.)

So what does Rye Bread do? He called my girlfriend (or maybe he called her first...who knows.) In any case, he called me 4 times after that, all of which I ignored and he managed to text me a few more times. Wow... this guy is a real winner. Add him to the list of knuckledragger's who need extensive training.

It's Been a while...

Wow, it's been a while. I know some people who write through sadness and heartache and all that other stuff, but for me, I just need to feel it, get through it...and move on to whatever amazing adventure is next.

So what does that mean? Well...I am single, first of all. I am also 30, and amazingly enough feel younger then I did at 20-29. I feel better... and am more confident than ever before and have a really great feeling about the future, whatever it may hold.

One of the funniest events of recent occurred on the eve of my best friend Yael's 30th Birthday party at Munchbar in Bellevue. Dude (Anthony) a pretty juiced up Jersey boy, (go figure) whirls me around on the dance floor. We have a great time, we talk about what we do, and where we like to normally hang out. He asks if he can take me out sometime. Now considering this guy was incredibly attractive (even for a juiced up Jersey boy) and seemed somewhat normal (for a Jersey boy), I accepted and gave him my phone number. Almost 30 minutes after leaving Munchbar I start getting texts from him asking if I will come meet him for a drink...I say I will not...He kept asking and asking... and then followed with drunken propositions for the next day. I said I would have to see what my schedule looked like.

The next day was filled with "getting to know you texts..." it was fun, and interesting. He seemed to finally be sober and not just wanting to "hook up." Then later, he says "I don't want to come off as a player but.... I would really like to see you and just cuddle." REALLY??!! Did you just basically tell me that you are a player??? Mark that down as a YES test proctor! By telling me you are not a player, it is my perception and my experience that you are in fact trying to bag every girl you come into close contact with and therefore a PLAYER! Good luck with that buddy. End text.

That was the end of Jersey Boy Anthony.

This summer (if it ever arrives) will be a total blow out of blogging... this summer is going to be fun, and packed with laugh out loud moments that will entertain all of us... so stay tuned. It's about to get bumpy! I will be out and about in Seattle/Bellevue or wherever, with my list of approved crappy pick up lines. Let's see what kind of gloriousness ensues.